UsernameNumber Send a private message. Coming from someone who considers themselves an intellectual: I very much prefer women with a very different focus. Not only is there nothing wrong with that gap, but it projects a very good point. People don't just want to be with people who are similar to them. People want to be with people that they feel fills a void in their life. Some people want intellectual companionship, but others don't. And then comes ego at play. You need to assess if this is a personal insecurity, or a discomfort on how HE acts. YOU are the important part of this equation, and if you know that, I think you won't have much to worry about, because you'll figure out what you want.
Wilde Send a private message. Nobody is making you insecure. You're just being silly and insecure. He likes you, he keeps seeking your company. Anyone in any relationship can find it fails at some point down the line, quit borrowing trouble. Just be you, and if you don't know about a subject or don't understand something he says, ask. If he talks down to you, probably start the launch sequence, if he just answers you like a human being, you'll know for sure, it's just you looking for ways to sabotage your own happiness.
Why are you so insecure? He is dating you and has continued to date you so he must find you interesting, He is intelligent in things he knows but I am sure you just as intelligent in what you do and know in life. It doesn't have to be the same thing. That would be very boring Inventing problems where there are none. Guys like this don't need intelligent women who are required to carry their own weight in some intellectual conversation As a side note, you know you could play up that "seasoned professor" and "wide -eyed student" thing, ya know? I mean if you were really smart, instead of trying to converse with an intellectual, you'd bring him down to a level you understand There is more than one way to be smart, you know?
Next time he's fascinating you with his brilliance, look up at him with some wide eyes and say "Gee, professor, I'm worried about passing my final. If he's as smart as you say, you'll be passing that final with flying colors. Bonus points of you own a school girls outfit Ask a New Question expand. Trending in Dating Anonymous I think my ex bf gave me something. What should I do? NoNames Is it wrong to ask what his fantasies are?
Anonymous How do I make her understand that I have no intentions of getting married? Why do girls catch feelings? Anonymous Meeting my ex to give him back his things? Should I tell him I still love him. Anonymous Did I make the wrong choice? I know a female lawyer, very successful, whose husband is a teacher and does a lot of the childcare. Would that not work for you? Looking for someone who is a male version of you could lead to an imbalance. And, as nat says, the number of successful feature film directors who are single must be very very small!
There are plenty of decent intelligent people about.
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Maybe we need to look at this from a different angle. I trip over intelligent people sometimes literally all the time. I work in the City. Validation, again, that old chestnut. I can quite see myself being single for the rest of my life. Interesting, I wonder how this is all going to pan out! Not so much the other way round. I have a similar hang-up, HF.
In fact, as much as I feel reluctant to point the finger at my age! That has been her one piece of advice. I have had two relationships with men who were intelligent, curious, and good. I know that my attraction to the AC who, incidentally, often used to remind me of how he was a PBR-listener!
Advice for Dating a Genius | LoveToKnow
In hindsight, I can see that, initially, my intellectual status as a PhD etc. He said as much when he binned me. As women become better educated, it is tricky though. Anyway, I am still working this out too hence the assortment of ideas here! I want to be with a man who is interesting and interested in life. It suggests that there is a third party — an audience — judging and approving you as people, when most of a relationship is about the daily ho-hum between you two, and small moments of tenderness and connection.
That is a beautiful last line or two Elle… I agree completely.
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I never… have ever… noticed that before. You crack me up…then wise me up.. I too wonder how this is all going to pan out. This, what Debra has, is actually what I secretly want and wish for. That they would see it as submitting. I gave up on it too, seeing my dad when I was little. I grew up assured men would do anything at all costs to stay in charge even if it destroys the relationship. So I gravitated to the idea of a power couple. Both trains lead to the same rotten destination. I can also relate to choosing older men who have made the same career choice.
Getting close to one of these men represents that. And asking myself what I prove to myself through achieving. Once you figure out what you really care about say, directing films that show a certain truth about the world, vs. Yikes, Magnolia, how much I related to this: I often feel I want a man to continue for me what I could do, or do the same as me so that I must press on, so that it means something if I do. This is changing, as I grow up, but still….
Oh, it used to be Nobel laureates, PhDs and all that nix on the athletes… was never attracted to them. I just noticed they could be meaner than the directors. Mostly my heart was broken by Nineties Director Assclown. I found nights alone pleasuring myself was far more profitable. You need to be with a real human being now. This website and group are phenomenal. Eugenics not my bag… If all you say is true and these actually are your opinions,then you are, like many of us in various stages of recovery and hope for recovery Emotionally Unavailable…welcome to this brilliant site!
Here is a brainteaser…what if the guy in the subway who had never directed a commercial?? Would you speak to him then…? If you did…and he turned out to be funny,kind,caring,dare I say intelligent…what then? You seem to narrow the field for this bizarrely and in doing so you narrow your chances for happiness. I say this humbly, as someone who has been on the site for a wee while now and whose ego at times needed clipping.
I also agree with you I have been Emotionally Unavailable. Would I speak to him then? I take back streets to avoid all the stares, approaches and cat calls. I even used to get crushes on dead men. Leonard Bernstein was a favorite. How sick is that? At least with me. They come on full-throttle and scare me away. You are right on the money though.
I commented more fully to your later blog, just for information…. What does being in a power couple mean to you? Why do you want to be in a power couple? I want to be totally honest with you: It sounds like you want to be better than other people, and that the partner that you have will elevate you even further above other people. We all want to believe that we can get what we think we want in a partner, and when someone like Nat sees through it, we get incredibly defensive and threatened. But what this really signifies is that we have a lot of work to do on ourselves.
Do the hard work of really confronting yourself and challenging what you believe. HF, I finally came back to your comment. Your insanity was rigidly choosing the same guy and not adjusting your focus to lookout for mate like qualities. You are intelligent and successful in your own right. Yes, your own right. Thanks for the wake-up call, NML and Lily, and all you other fab girls here.
I am awake in bed with my eyes open and listening. I understand about the power couple being ridiculous and a pathology. But that repeating the same tactic choosing the same Assclown over and over again is what NML is rightly calling Relationship Insanity. I see it now.
The rough part will be making the decision to get it out of my life and establish new, healthier patterns. The business of home- and family-making and love-making is a different line of business than money-making, eh? Yet, a caring parent would not chide the child for being heartbroken, but hold her close and show her that even when she feels devastated, she is still lovable and very much loved. HF, you wrote it would be rough to get your fantasy out of your life.
I agree, that would be rough, why be so rough on yourself? You as a third grade little girl were so sweet and cool, what an adorable character! I hope you feel that way, too. Your dream of being the woman in a passionate power couple is brilliant, ambitious, fabulous, glamorous, and you totally deserve to have that. I may be going against the grain with this, but I hope you hold on to that dream — who cares if it looks unrealistic? Self awareness is anything but a punitive sort of experience. The two are separate and distinct entities.
I totally dig her. Thanks for the great post Natalie! Gave me a lot of food for thought. On the topic of relationship smarts, would you mind recommending some resources where I can learn more? I have been reading here almost a month. I LOVE how you are sharing some rich advice and wisdom. I have to say you have to watch out for intelligent ones who are emotionally illiterate.
I had this on guy try to psycho-analyze me before we even had our first phone conversation. He was so disconnected and arrogant. For me, I absolutely know that dating someone who is intelligent and cares about what is happening in the world is important to me. I used to live in a big city where I met people like that every day. Since I moved to more rural, suburban area, meeting unattached men in their 30s, without kids, who care about the world seems hard.
Honestly, it was the first time that I realized that for once in my life, I was not the problem. Been there, done that — in fact, I seem to attract shy, Aspie-type men. They are very, very, VERY hard work, and you can end up becoming exhausted very quickly. I hated the fact that he could hardly ever initiate physical affection of any sort, not even a cuddle. I hated the disappearing acts. I hated the withdrawal. I hated the poor social skills that always made me feel like I had to apologise for his bad manners. Yet there was also plenty of stuff that was loveable about him, and he has highly-developed intelligence in one specific area and a very well-paid career.
I was in danger of doing this myself, but I got out in time.
I suppose the important thing is to make sure you realise that you are NOT being feckless, fickle, too emotional or too demanding in wanting a relationship with someone who can respond to you. Natalie, thanks for this post! In my family there has always been given a lot of importance to intellect, doing well in school, or professional achievements as adults. And they all did very well at that, but they also had a decent family life: Well, I had my revelation…guess when: I meet intelligent people every day.
My weakness is artistic talent of some sort, particularly musical. I have had my fair share of musician knob-heads through doing gig photography who always put their band and everything else first and, needless to say, did not want to get into anything serious. I think there are highly intelligent, decent people out there, just like there are decent musicians out there who are more than capable of a healthy relationship the current boyfriend being one of them. This is definitely where i was going wrong before. I have to watch out for the creatives too.
I fell for this poet. He was sexy, passionate and emotionally unavailable. I let his passion and creativity cloud my judgment. He was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. He was a true faker. I really liked your comment, because I think that it really gets to the heart of the matter: Simple as rain, and I think this is it. Ding ding ding, we have a winner! That is what I am going to do from now on. Yeah, spot on…all those chats over the broadsheets on a Sunday morning,tours of galleries,sparky debate and the joy of shared book and music references…. That intelligence also meant that he could fire an articulate put down and name call with such malicious intent that I reeled.
I identified intelligence with sensitivity, general sensitivity to me and other people…Yet, the relationship never moved on past early future fakery. I realize that we substituted intellectual pursuits for any kind of realistic debate about where the relationship was actually going and we did this again and again.
If he had had an accident, no one knew of my existence or how to reach me. Our intelligence became the last refuge of two emotionally unavailable people. Excellent comment Lynda and made me laugh in parts. Thanks for the kind comment Natalie. Not relationship intelligent of me. I needed to see myself as wholly responsible too. I put up with it. I did not insist on actions and words were easy for him week after week.
I broke NC, went back to same scenario. If he was setting up the hurdles or hoops that I needed to jump before he would commit to me I was the one preparing to jump, like some demented border collie at a dog show. This meant I was content to be EUM. I miss him though and the breaking of NC was not lightly thought out but I laugh, am laughing now… when I remind myself that despite all the conditions that he set up before the relationship could progress, strangely he never insisted on…no sex!!!! You are an education ,a unique force for good and I am glad I met this site.
Cave woman, I get your sense of grieving absolutely. It seems your guy felt happy to discuss specific details, concerns,share confidences about his kids and aspects of his life to you whilst you remained in a box without a label. Ditto for me too. You are dead right about the insidious nature of it, takes a while to spot. I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago and realized that these so called intelligent guys want to control every aspect of the socio-emotional distance between themselves and women.
Then we would have a lovely time together, lots of caring words but absolutely no real discussion ever, of any depth about where the relationship was going. My reality, real family stuff, real work problems fazed him. You could see him backing off. In the context of the article, this incredibly intelligent man was using his intelligence to keep me exactly where he wanted me. There are women around who also want a relationship like that. I hope he finds one. For me, I had a right to want more.
I take full responsibility for enabling his behavior to me. I confronted it but it continued and I went back more than once to the same scenario. Pretty goddamn thick of me. That signalled to him that I accepted the status of the relationship. He saw no need to change, nor do I imagine now, even thinks he should change. Thanks for your comment and sharing x. One of the main reasons I was attracted to my ex is because he held a high-powered non-profit job, just like I do. However, his job turned out to be the only aspect of his life where he was actually comfortable and confident; emotionally, he was a complete mess.
His job is the only thing he has been able to control in his entire life — great at it, not great at thriving in a meaningful adult relationship. I did end up thinking to myself after the breakup: I just sold my used car to someone on craigslist; the guy showed up to look at the car and we negotiated I asked for hoping for about and he offered ; I got him back up to How were you going to pay for the car?
Definitely handled myself in line with having learned that there are boundary pushers out there, that people may fib, etc. Definitely noticed when a boundary was being crossed and firmly steered us back on course. Good for you Magnolia! Your response to another poster regarding action not just talk helped me lot. Made me laugh all day.
Myself on the other hand got drawn into a confrontation with a manipulative, aggressive drunk late last night at work — yes at the library, go figure. It all happened really fast, it was long afterwards that I figured out where it went downhill. Then she got me on the defensive by implying I was unprofessional.
Hats off, it was masterful how quickly that sicko found the weak spots in my self esteem. Why do we care so much when someone else says something wrong in our presence? You know I am starting to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to intelligent people, men with large cocks or whatever you find does it for you.
Read this comment and you can very well skip all my earlier ones. Men, be they Assclowns or not, have an agenda when picking women. Assclowns choose with the agenda of getting a woman who has poor or weak self-esteem because the goal is to use then discard her. The advantage males have is they pick with an agenda. Women need to develop just one agenda and one only when choosing a man:. HF Well, in my opinion your earlier comments are insightful…why do you feel you want to skip? Re your agenda descriptions, I think we all have an agenda that involves standards,boundaries and that may or may not be healthy.
I could have Florence Nightingaled for Britain…. You need to turn the light around, turn it on you. How do you know for sure what these guys and the women they go for are thinking??? If you widen your view from you, read others blogs…this too becomes evident. In all aspects of our lives,work,kids,lovers,people we meet randomly. Finally, I disagree with you about the agenda. It would be really good to hear more of you. HF Does he make me happy is a good question, but we need to be happy before we meet the man. What would I gain? But I guess we just have to bite the bullet and do something different.
This is true for certain women too, though a less obvious, more recent trend. They want both and neither, hence not being able to commit to a cuddle, hence over-reacting to the wrong look, word, or approach to problem-solving, hence making obstacles out of anything. With both these men I was involved with, I tried everything — ignoring problems, being light and fluffy, indulging sincerely, being assertive, getting upset, quality time, time apart, being understanding etc.
They like uneasiness and impossibility. And on top of this, I have to accept that feelings matter — they did not feel right around me. And according to this definition, I might not like that passive wifey and alpha man is a model that dominates my social group, I can see that, usually, both parties get something of value out of it. This comments resounds to me Elle. I tried everything too, all the tricks in the magic box, the sharing of good intentions,the intellectual debate as foreplay and…..
I get his behaviour. I have to agree with you,a good outcome is not on the agenda. We met sometimes to spar. The everyday churn was not on offer. My last meeting with him and subsequent communications has confirmed this to me. He was a caring,intelligent,exciting weekend lover. I had, sporadically, a lovely time. Natalie has written about this in response to an earlier blog…. I remained un-labelled woman in a box to his family, most of his friends, colleagues etc.
It was like we got each other out to play with at weekends. I felt like the woman who put the froth on the coffee. I think I got there before he did or ever will with the continuing help of this site and other supports. I began to suss what I was needing in terms of a relationship. I would never have behaved like that myself. I agree that being oneself is extremely important! I was always myself with the ex EUM and he said i was great fun, cool, intelligent, blah blah. After putting up with it for far too long, i got sick of having to scold him like a child and remind him how to treat me, so i opted out.
When you find the right person, you can be totally yourself, whether that be nice and easygoing, competative and career driven, fiesty and passionate, shy and reserved, or a combination of all of those as is the case with most people. One should never have to hide or apologise for any aspect of their character and i believe that the right person would never make us feel as though we ever needed to.
I remember an ex telling me off for wanting to do well at a game of crazy golf. Basically keep being you. In fact, what I have found the more times I have flipped out due to the non-consistency the more they would come back to prove how much they wanted me. An emotionally stable guy would have run like hell, not wanted the drama. Then again, someone normal would never have driven me to the brink of insanity in the first place. I can completely relate to the subject. I met a man last winter through my line of work, which is in the shipping industry. I provide technical services to ships.
I visited the ship and he was my contact. He was one of the engineers. The conversation drifted to politics and current affairs, and after a while, he asked me to join him in his stateroom we kept the door open for coffee and we talked about some books we were interested in. I left about 40 minutes later and the ship sailed. PS- this is not something I typically do. I got email from him during the following months as the ship made its way along its trade route.
This ship is in a kind of reduced operational state and it goes nowhere. His company took over the contract and he let me know he was there. When I went there to provide contract service, we went out to dinner and had a lovely time and he dropped me off at my hotel no sex that night.
The Negative Side
When we went out he would complain loudly about what he spent on our dates, even though I paid for the hotel room. I split meal tabs with him. Still whined about money even though he had a plane ticket every weekend either to his home state or his mother in Florida. We ended up in bed. I called him on it another time and he got defensive and said…. He began to control communication. He has an obsession with a local bar game of trivia where the winning team gets the tab cut in half. He actually got angry with me for suggesting we go somewhere quiet instead.
Crummy dad, crummy husband, crummy BF.
Advice for Dating a Genius
When the going got tough he shipped out…so I am shipping out on him, starting today. I waited 2 years to let someone in …. No one is too busy to text!! Cancelled major plans at last minute.. I have only ever had healthy relationships in the past…how did this happen to me…and why do I feel so stupid!!! Why do these guys lay it in thick.. I will never hurt u.. Sick characters have a special interest in heartbreak.
You are going through a dangerously vulnerable time, speaking from first hand exp. You were right and reasonable to want to take it slow. It boggles the mind what predators some men are. So he waited a few months. And then he gave himself license to swoop down… oozing with compassion and sharing his own sob story, he got me to confide about my recent trauma — once that bond was forged, boom! You did nothing wrong.
My guess is they see us as an opportunity to feel superior, wise, understanding, and capable of more empathy than they really are. In hindsight I can chalk up my case to experience, on a good day. People who use and cheat do it to smart, savvy people too. It sounds like this guy waited until you were vulnerable and somewhat open to his advances and then turned on the charm with over-the-top courting.
My recent ex-AC blew my student-on-a-student-salary mind with expensive early dates far above my ability to offer to pay half. Some of these guys are ambulance-chasers who wait until a woman is in a place of needing support. Their princess treatment might feel a little weird did it feel a little weird to you that he was so full-on? Your trust has been damaged and it will take some time to rebuild, but when you do, you will be even stronger than before, armed with new knowledge and knowing yourself better than ever.
They need to catch you off balance. The one that I encountered knows that he has nothing worthwhile to offer to a woman on an even keel. None of our stories are new; they are just the consequences of having, for the first time in history, actual sexual freedom. How we use that is up to us. What I sought and seek are tools to recognise danger signals as well as healthy relationship habits.
BTW When females were the matriarchs of their tribes and other family groupings and dieties frequently seen as female in nature women were freer to be exactly who they were: Just because our western societies have bought into patriarchal ways of thinking does not mean women must buy into it. I think we have been increasingly affected by a partiarchal society where women take a passive role.
I think you have to do what works for you. In my case keeping knickers on for longer would also not have made the slightest difference with the ex EUM. I think everyone has to choose their own methods based on their own values. You were a great person before you met that man and you will continue to be a great person afterwards as well. It gives them way to much power over your life to allow someone who has hurt you to define you. They are just an unpleasant blip that you will in time totally get over and move onto healthier and happier relationships.