Boundaries in dating by dr henry cloud and dr john townsend

Dr. John Townsend - Boundaries - 3-2-15

It deals with lots and lots of relationships issues and problems and gives a solution for each problem. This book also helps you to be more aware of yourself and of the person you are in a romantic relationship with. Sooner or later, they tend to fail. A desire to change is generally not enough, or we would have changed before Relationship is the fuel which makes change and gro "You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything.

Relationship is the fuel which makes change and growth possible. It provides comfort so you can bear the difficulty of change. It creates support for the person as she struggles and fails. It brings reality to her, so that she can change directions and try new ways of solving her problems. It arises out of a deep appreciation and gratitude for the person's presence and love, yet it retains the reality of who he is at the same time.

He looks at us all as broken people whom he makes new again. And they are devastated or lose hope when they find themselves having long-term conflicts Give up the demand that your relationship be conflict-free, get over it, and go to the next step. Or do you minimize it, make excuses for it, or simply give him the silent treatment, hoping he will get the message? This is not an honest approach. Dec 17, Mary rated it really liked it. While many previous reviewers rightly noted that this book covers a lot of "common sense" concepts though common sense isn't as commonly exercised as it may once have been Distinguishing between deep character flaws and petty annoyances, taking responsibility for enabling a date's misbehavior while also addressing it, and handling conflict honestly and graciously are While many previous reviewers rightly noted that this book covers a lot of "common sense" concepts though common sense isn't as commonly exercised as it may once have been Distinguishing between deep character flaws and petty annoyances, taking responsibility for enabling a date's misbehavior while also addressing it, and handling conflict honestly and graciously are all learned skills; we're not born selfless, and navigating a relationship that isn't necessarily yet?

Like their cornerstone book, Boundaries, the overarching message is to genuinely love others well and by well, I mean unselfishly without allowing them to abuse or mistreat you, and without becoming overbearing or disregarding their freedom to choose even if you don't like their choices.

Again, it paints a good "big picture" of maturity, mostly through the use of case studies and straightforward breakdowns of issues' common roots. It would be a great resource for those who may feel "stuck" in a pattern of dating the "wrong" people, for those who mentor singles, and for those who are interested in the psychology of relationship development from a biblical perspective. Honestly, even if you don't have a biblical perspective, the insight is still valuable and applicable. It's simply a solid read. May 27, Rachelle Cobb rated it liked it. Similarly to the first title, Boundaries touched on the basic elements of how to date wisely.

In essence, avoid the mistake of dating someone who doesn't love Christ, treat you well, respect your family. I can see this book being helpful to those seeking to date differently than what movies portray, but I didn't get a whole lot out of it since I'd grown up reading Harris and Ludy and other courtship advocates. Still, the wise principles contained therein might benefit those wrapping their head a Similarly to the first title, Boundaries touched on the basic elements of how to date wisely. Still, the wise principles contained therein might benefit those wrapping their head around a counter-cultural approach to relationships.

I really enjoyed this book. Coming from very broken relationship in the past, this book reminded me about the importance of setting healthy boundaries, the people whom I choose to date, how to deal with conflicts and how important your support system is. I think it gave me a lot of perspective and thought about moulding myself to be a better person not just in relationships but also life in general.

This isn't the most difficult read ever and some of the points are a little "Duh", but overall — interesting points about the need for boundaries and some food for thought when trying to balance emotion and logic.

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Also, I'm always sort of "eh" on anything with an overarching faith-based approach to self-help. This one grated on my nerves less than I was expecting — much less. Sep 10, Haley Victoria rated it it was amazing. If I ever have children, I will require them to read this book before they begin dating anyone. I wish I had it years ago! Feb 16, Jennifer rated it liked it. People kept telling me to read this. I don't believe in this book because most of these things should be common sense.

And after reading this, I believe that still holds. This book may be more pertinent if there are issues in a relationship or dichotomies in your expectations, religious views and morals. The book does a good at looking at all aspects of dating from beginning to end: While I'm still not a strong a People kept telling me to read this. While I'm still not a strong advocate of this book, some of the issues covered are good reminders for any relationship. Oct 13, Angelina rated it really liked it Shelves: This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

Learning to have good boundaries in dating is work, and takes some time. It helps to understand how to better conduct your dating life to develop love, freedom, and responsibility in both you and whoever you are dating. Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- TAKEAWAY: Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- control.

Emotional maturity in dating is important in dating 2.

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Freedom and Responsibility create a safe environment for love, experience, trust Know what your fears and unresolved issues can bring you too e. Fears of intimacy can attract you to detached people;Fears of autonomy can attract you to controlling people. I You and your boundaries -Why boundaries in dating? Boundaries serve two important functions: Boundaries show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. Boundaries keep good things in, and bad things out.

Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, or how you behave in dating relationships they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keep- ing your very soul safe, protected, and growing. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship if worth it can work on trust.

It is another thing to have loved and been lied to. Do not lead someone on, or allow them to deceive themselves by anything that you are doing. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. Reasons you need to be honest about conflict: Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict.

When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible. Yo need to know who you deal with someone who critisies, someone you can talk to. People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work - Do not tolerate lying or deception period.

NO matter what the reason for it. Know your dating approaches? Growth from your past -Understand and deal with the issues that have kept you from changing your patterns. Be afraid of your past - consequences of the past, help to motivate yourself to make the change. Be afraid of ruining present relationship, ask for support. Be afraid of staying in the present relationship.

Be afraid of being injured ask yourself why you were hurt before? Be afraid of waisting time. Be afraid reducing your prospects. Examine following areas in dating: Defensive hope disappointment in life leads to hanging up to hope rather than change 3. Romanising fantasising, avoiding reality, being out of neediness 4.

Undeveloped intimacy unawareness of real connection, result to drawn to wrong ppl 5. Friendship is the path. LEARN to verbalise and deal with impulsive connection. Loss of freedom he is in charge 2. Confusion and responsibility 4. If you do, the person that your loved one is loving is not you. It is the role that you are playing and not your true self who is being loved. Having enough talks to safely open up with each other 2. Going over basic values of what is important in life to each other 6.

Spending time away from each other to think through the relationship, alone and with friends 8. Deal with conflicts, differences, and preferences instead of glossing them over. Remember that quick, intense relationships often end up either burning out or being shallow. Real love takes time and has no shortcut, but it is worth it. Get a life work on your friendships, work, hobbies service 6. Stay connected to your support network: Stay grounded to your values III.

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Then end the dat- ing relationship. Is that reason sustainable? Or ask yourself if spending time with each other will help both of you in other ways Is there more ownership, a growth path, hunger for change, involvement in some system of change, repentance, or other fruits of a change of direction?

Is there self motivation for change, or is it all coming from you? Learn to deal with disrespect before you end things. Another reason seems to be that when- ever we do not have good limits with each other, there is a regression on the part of the person who is enabled to be less than mature. If you do, you will be quarrelsome and difficult to be around. Maybe let a few things slide once or twice, but do not allow a pattern of disrespect to occur. Helps to see if the person can sacrifice, respects you 18 Make honesty, respect and freedom as aspects of your relationship sexually, emotionally, socially, spiritually.

This is the world of dating, where you can abruptly break off a relationship, no harm, no foul. Let him know that you are bringing up the problem because you care.

Boundaries in Dating : Dr. Henry Cloud :

Remember to be patient, work things through 2. Stick with Consequences, let them know that they are not permanent 3. Expect Negative reaction 4. Question his motivations 5. Avoid reactive friends 6. Provide a way to normality 7. SHOUld you request personal growth when dealing with boundaries and consequences character growth problem: Use limits to test relations Jun 15, Trevor rated it liked it Shelves: This book was decent.

Like all dating books written in the s, it is in part responding to I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I felt like it was a little too pro-dating at times. However, that's not the purpose of the book. The book outlines a lengthy series of potential problems in your dating relationships and how to avoid them or solve them.


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In this I thought it was well done but I do not think it would be helpful or encouraging for teenagers. View all 5 comments. Apr 16, Emelie rated it liked it. Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one. If you're like me and couldn't understand flirting if it hit you across the face with a frying pan, this book really helps you see how people date, how dating is supposed to work, and how to establish boundaries with those you date.

The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience am I saying this from a place of Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one. The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience am I saying this from a place of personal experience? Especially if you're Christian. This book reminds us that no, you're a human, you can ask for proper treatment and allow consequences if your needs are not respected or met.

It removes the guilt of wanting space, and removes the stigma of a "crazy" partner who doesn't want you looking through their phone all for the sake of love. Some other thoughts I had: Cloud and Townstead write a lot about boundaries, about growth, etc, but seem to forget that when it comes to dating, purity culture is being dismantled day by day for good reason. Every chapter, you get hit in the face with the fact that Cloud and Townstead don't like sex before marriage. Cool, great, nice, but why is this in a chapter about not cutting yourself off from friends and family?


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Also, Cloud and Townstead are two middle aged dudes who dated when purity culture was still running rampant. If you want dating advice written for a modern age please put your pitchforks down before you try be for heretical thought , this might not be the BEST book, but it's a good book. A lot of their views on sex are in line with the hushed whispers and Bible thumping rigid thoughts of Midwest Protestantism. I also found it interesting that some of the examples used include people who are dedicated enough to be talking marriage, then decide that when the other isn't willing to commit yet which is fine and established more as the partner needing time, or needing to see their partner isn't going to wait forever , they're just going to "see other people" for a while.

Maybe it's the language but that sounds like a strange lack of commitment for a relationship discussing marriage. I digress, and nitpick, and I know that. Not a bad book. Sep 21, emilie. Still, the title sounded like it would have been helpful to me and it was on sale, so into my Kindle it went. After all, this one encourages… casual dating! You may come from a good family and relational background. You may be a well-rounded person…But, Actual rating: You may be a well-rounded person…But, even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, must be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error.

Tell this to the purity culture warriors, please! This wasn't a bad guide by any means. There were some great pieces of advice that anyone can apply to their love life, though some readers may consider the bulk of it good old common sense. I've highlighted many passages that could help me improve in certain areas, or serve as reminders.


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I had heard people ask about the biblical position on capital punishment or euthanasia, but never on dating. What the Bible does talk about is being a loving, honest, growing person in whatever you do. So, I would have to say that the biblical position on dating has much more to do with the person you are and are becoming than whether or not you date.

The biblical position on dating would be to date in a holy way. The question is not whether or not you are dating. The questions are more along the lines of 'Who are you in your dating and who are you becoming in your dating? What is the fruit of your dating for you and for the people that you date? How are you treating them? What are you learning? It is mainly about your character growth and how you treat people. They will save your life and help you to make sure you end up with a good person to marry," I said, chuckling on the inside about how often Christians want a rule.

I thought this was the end of it until the same question kept coming up around the country whenever I would speak to singles. Over and over again, I was asked if dating were an okay thing to do or not. I was curious about why people were asking the same question. So, one day, I asked where these questions were coming from. The premise of the book is that dating is not a good idea, and many people were giving it up. As I continued to investigate, the movement went even further than the book in some circles.

Many Christians were saying that dating was sinful in and of itself; others were at least feeling as if people who were still dating were less spiritual than those who didn't. It was becoming the "Christian" thing to forego dating. I thought at first that this was just in some circles, but the more I traveled around I was hearing it all over the country.

So we read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and in this chapter we will share some of our reactions. We strongly disagree with the idea that all people should give up dating for several reasons. But before we get into the specifics, we want to validate the reasons behind this movement. No one would take such a stance against dating without good reason, and the reason people are giving up dating seems to be this: In other words, dating has not helped them to grow, find a mate, or become a more spiritual person.

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So, it makes sense to kiss it good-bye. And we empathize with this pain. As we have seen over the years working with many singles and being single for a long time ourselves both of us were well into our thirties before we married , dating can cause a lot of hurt and suffering. Many people become disillusioned in the process, and they feel like they do not know how to make it work. They experience heartbreak, they re - Publisher. Cloud is a clinical psychologist with a unique ability to connect with his audiences. Drawing upon his broad range of experiences in private practice, leadership consulting, and media, he simplifies life's issues and gives easy-to-understand, practical advice.

Cloud's humour, compassion, and 'in the moment' confrontation that make his approach to psychology and spirituality such a success. He has written or co-written 19 books, including the best-selling Boundaries.