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I digress — Speed Dating night started normally enough. I discovered on arrival that I had messed up and accidently come to a night which was for twenty-somethings: Seeing as these nights never really amount to anything anyway, I thought what the hell? I can do this, the venue is a dark, dingy basement, and I was wearing a short skirt to distract potential suitors. The lady organising it broke the rules by giving us the best and most inept pep talk I think I have ever experienced, before battle commenced. To prove that these nights can work she told us all about one couple who had apparently got so excited they had actually had sex right there but by the end of the evening they had split up speed-relationships, anyone?

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And a man who was so hopeless and whom no women actually liked, but they forced him to come back and go through this rigmarole about twenty times till finally someone had liked him and he is now getting married — presumably he has her locked in his basement chained to the radiator.

I could not wait.

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We were then told to sit in lines opposite each other with the men moving to another girl every three minutes. I was at the end of a long table, and just as I started to get interested in the man, he would suddenly get up and go.

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  • To be honest, this has happened to me in real life, so I am used to it. And those were just some of my good dates. The girl sitting next to me had been to these events before.

    Unfortunately so had one of the men, a rather earnest Hungarian man. As soon as he sat down opposite her he shouted: